I’m in a sort of.. a short time-long distance relationship with my boyfriend, he’s away for 2-3 weeks and back for 2-3, in a cycle. Every time he goes back, I brew something special (not coffee though).

We’ve been together for 3 years then, and we’ve gotten comfortable, we have this kind of relationship na hindi kami nagpapakielaman ng gamit, ng phones, ng messages. Sabihin na nating we 'trust' each other that much. Sometimes I am even accused of 'not caring' kasi I dont ask a lot of questions when he goes out.. stuff like that.

There was one time he was on his way back home from Thailand.. I was planning to send nudes or maybe video-tease him so he’d come running to me.

Upon opening my laptop, I was logged out of facebook pala, as I was trying to log in, lumabas yung email niya sa choices, when I clicked it, nakasave pala yung password. So just like what a normal girlfriend will do, I opened it out of curiosity then I found out he was flirting with other women.

(Women, women, WOMEN. Putangina kang dalahira kang balbakwa, malandi ka pa sa hipong nilalasing at pinakukuluan sa suka!)

What was weird was, I was a bit furious (o baka sinasabi ko lang yon). But I was more of devastated, disappointed, and sad. Akala ko kasi matinong tao siya, matino in a sense na hindi magloloko, good boy ba. Kasi he has this aura na ang linis.. He is around 5'7", maputi, bilugan ang mata, clean cut ang buhok, no facial hair, trimmed nails.. may pagka OC.. hindi rin ganong mabisyo, kapag tinignan mo.. parang Nice Guy ganon. Pero oo nga naman, sino ba naman kasi ang hindi matutukso, ang gagandang mga babae non, ang sesexy pa, ako man ang kalantariin non, bibigay rin ako. Hindi ko masabing hindi ako nagalit, pero nag aalab yung damdamin ko, hindi sa poot kundi sa lungkot.

I took an hour crying, another hour sa pagtanganga (pagtunganga at pagtanga). And I cant help but think about how messed up my situation is, what do I do? Pauwi galing sa business trip.. Aawayin ko ba? Babatuhin ko ba ng plato? Mumurahin ko ba? Babalian ko ng tite? Babayagan ko ba? Anong gagawin ko?

Ano pa nga ba, edi nilogout ko.. tapos cnlear ko ang saved passwords sa browser.. para hindi ko na mabuksan pa ulit.

I took a long and hot shower.

Habang umaagos yung tubig sa ulo ko, pababa sa katawan, umaasa ako na lahat ng sakit na dulot ng lahat ng nakita ako ay sumama na rin at umagos sa drainage, kung pwede lang hugasan ang kalamnan, kung pwede lang banlawan ang isip, kung pwede lang magreset ng memory, tangina, tinignan mo pa kasi.

Across the shower is a door na may full body mirror, while showering tinitignan ko lagi ang katawan ko, I appreciate myself.. I even pose on days that Im feeling like it. Pero at that time I cant help but question its proportion, kung alin ba ang mali, alin ang maliit, its whole existence. Bakit kasi ganon, bakit hindi ka sapat? 34A-27-38 standing at 5’3” , hindi naman talaga perfect, pero okay ka naman dati kapag tinitignan kita, naglalandi ka pa nga sa salamin dba? Bakit ngayon hindi ka masaya?

I live in a medium rise condominium, 4 floors na C shaped ang style ng buildings, at the middle ay may pool, and all rooms facing the pool from the 2nd floor up ay may veranda. My unit is at the fourth floor, I usually smoke at the veranda, sabi nila bawal raw pero tangina ninyong lahat.

After showering, with a towel wrapped on my head, wearing a bathrobe, I went out sa veranda to smoke. My boyfriend doesn’t want me to smoke, I dunno kung disgusted lang ba siya talaga sa lasa, or sa mismong idea na ang babae ay hindi dapat naninigarilyo, there was even a time that we didn’t french kiss (pero we did Aussie kiss) during intercourse just because I came from a party and I smell (maybe) like a chimney.

1 stick, 2 sticks, sinusubukan kong huwag mag isip, alam mo yung nagiisip ka para hindi magisip? Pwede ba yon? And in that moment narealize ko na ang daming veranda sa condo na yon pero usually ginagawa lang sampayan ng mga tao, sa 2 years ko na pagtira doon, parang wala pa akong nakita na nakatambay talaga sa veranda bukod sakin, ay meron ata pala, isa, dalawa, naninigarilyo lang rin tapos papasok na.

Naging successful naman ata ako sa pagiisip na huwag mag isip kasi after 3 sticks pumasok na ako para maglotion, sa kwarto ko usually ang gamit ko lang ay lampshade at ilaw sa banyo, masisilawin kasi ako, hindi ko gusto yung maliwanag, eh studio pa yung kwarto ko.. kaya yung bedroom lights maliliwanagan na halos yung buong kwarto, tapos puro salamin pa, kaya maaliwalas talaga.

Pero dahil paspecial nga sana yung gabi na yon, meron akong binili na mga candles, para romantic ba.. candle lit romantic dinner sana ang ipprepare ko, magluluto then strip tease and/or lap dance for him after, kaso dahil nga sa mga nangyari baka pumait lang yung luto ko o kaya maging sobrang alat.

And to veer away sa pagiisip nagpatugtog na lang ako.. here’s a part of my playlist

-Pony (Ginuwine)

-Bright Lights (Gary Clark)

-Let’s Get it on (Marvin Gaye)

-Nasty Naughty Boy (Christina Aguillera)

-Pour it up (Rihanna)

- Often (The Weeknd)

I’m not really fond of music, yung tipong nagssound trip or yung kabisado ang singer at lyrics, I know songs because I hear it from the radio while waiting for my order sa restaurant or in programs etc.. but I have a curated playlist for seducing and another for sexy time. I cant say Im a good dancer, but I’ve attended pole dancing lessons and watched lap dancing videos.. and I can twerk.. sa totoo lang, doing it is very basic, you just have to be confident about yourself, about how you look.. present yourself as sexy, the sexy for yourself, not just the kind of sexy for other people. Feel your nudity, feel your sensuality, embrace your femininity.

I had all the reasons to quit the relationship that night, pero.. ewan, hindi ko isinasama sa options ko na makipag hiwalay. Pero may nagsabi kasi sakin na kapag raw galit ka bumilang ka to 10, kapag galit ka pa rin dagdagan mo pa ang bilang bago ka gumawa ng desisyon or magbitiw ng salita.. habang nagbibilang.. I looked at myself in the mirror again, okay naman eh, hindi ka naman  pangit, charming ka nga.

Then I got a text.

BF : Hey sexy, you home? Manila na ko.

Me : Yep, waiting for you.

<Estupida! Tonta! Tanga!>

<Waiting ka pa eh niloloko ka nga.>

Ewan ko rin bakit ako nagreply.. pero nag ayos na lang ako. Nakaset na ang isip ko for a long, fun, sexy night and hindi pa rin naman talaga nassort out ng isip ko kung ano ang gagawin ko so might as well just play with him muna.  

I wore a pretty burgundy make up, plumped my lips with honey, curled my waist length hair, wore a neon green stringy bra, topped it with a white button down blouse paired with a short black skater skirt, and black garter leggings under it.. kapag mahirap ka ang tawag sa pormahan na to pamokpok/pamputa, kung sosyal sosyal naman.. striptease attire or sexy costume. Para kumpleto may black 5 inch heels rin akong nakatabi para sa mga gabing ganito.

And to seal my look, a spritz of Prada Candy and 2 shots of Vodka.

BF : *Tok*Tok*Tok* Delivery po!

(Ang korni na niyang line mo na yan, 3 years na yan pa rin?)

Opening the door, I saw a bouquet of flowers, delivery nga naman talaga.

“Why, thank you!” Pammlastic ko sakanya.

 “Hmm, bango mo naman.” Pagsimsim sabay kabig niya saking bewang.

<Ano? Normal lang? Normal na lang? Nonormalin mo lang yang tarantadong na yan? Oo.>

He went in the room and saw the set up I prepared, he walked around it and asked... “Wow, welcome back to me ba to?”

<Hindi, iaalay kita sa demonyo kasi kailangan na ng reliever ni Satanas doon.>

“Uhm, yea what else?” sagot ko. Sabay hagod sa kanyang sintron, at dahan dahan kong kinakalas iyon.. we started kissing while he held my face at my jaw with both hands.

"You smell and taste so sweet tonight."

"Sit." I ordered him.