I wake ahead of her. My mind was still in a state of disbelief regarding what happened last night. But seeing our bodies still naked under our blankets, it serves as proof that it wasn’t an imagination.
I slowly get up from the bed and tried not to make any noise, so that Kikay would not wake up. Then, I walk towards the window and sit in the chair near it. I moved the curtain to let a little sunshine get into the room. I was in high-spirit when I woke up and yet there’s restless in my heart. I am sure now that I have fallen in love with Kikay even though I don’t know when this feeling has started. But the incident last night just makes me aware of my hidden desires and feeling towards her.
At the same time, I am also feeling restless. Making love with the woman who owns my heart was a dream comes true, however, I know that we have crossover our boundaries. She hasn’t drank any alcoholic drink, since I met her. In my mind I was thinking, what if this is the effect of spirits on her. What is she thinks I took advantage of her condition this will destroy the trust we have with each other. My eyes become watery because I knew that there’s a large possibility that the worse scenario could come true and we can never go back being friends as a result.
Looking back, having copulation with same gender was not new to me. I knew my preference even before I reach puberty. Typically, Lesbian in the Philippines often associated with Tomboyish characteristics and I am not. No one can tell that I’m a lesbian since from the way I dressing, action and even my mannerisms, I was a woman.
Only my family members and very close friends knew about my sexuality. Actually, I wanted to keep it a secret to my family, since my mother has an old-fashion religious belief. Nevertheless, no secrets can remain a secret forever. I was in secondary level when I started to have a relationship with a girl. She was my classmate and we started as friends, until my feelings for her develop more than it was supposed to be. I was lucky when she confess that she has the same feelings for me.
It was a joyful event, it was my 1st love and was love back. It seems to be perfect but we have a problem that will destroy what we have. She has a boyfriend. After she breaks up with him, the guy started to spread slur. He also reveals our relationship in the campus that both of us don’t know how to confront it. We were scandalized and much worst the news reached both our parents. She transferred to other school as per wish of her parents and any communication with me was block. I never hear from her from then on.
On my side, my mother though she failed being a mother and blames herself that I became like this. She even forces me to go with her “Christian group” because she believes that I can be cure. I thank God that my father and my brothers accept me, but they can’t do anything to contradict our mother. Being young, I resigned being true to myself so that the indifference I had with my mother would stop.
I tried to be a “normal” girl. I accepted suitors, dated with boys and even had a boyfriend. I wasn’t happy doing it but I don’t want my mother to be unhappy. After a year and half since my debut, my mother succumbs to cancer and immediately after I broke with the guy. He was my 1st and last boyfriend.
He was very nice guy and our relationship lasted for 2 years. He was an ideal boyfriend that every girl could wish for, but I have to let him go because I know he deserved someone better. A girl that could back the love he was able to provide.
I did not notice how many minutes I was reflecting in the chair near the window that I didn’t know that Kikay was already awoken. She sat beside me and the gentle movement in the chair shakes me to go back to reality. I slowly look at her, anxious what will happen next.
She gradually slump her head on my shoulder. I want to break the silence but don’t know what words to say.
It took minutes from the time she seated beside me, before she said a word. She was the one who took the initiative.
“Ohayooo bhe, let’s freshen up before we go get our breakfast.”
I look down to her face trying not to remove her head which was still resting at my shoulder and saw that there’s a glow. She holds my hands and felt our connection. All my doubts and fear that was playing in my head earlier just vanish.
“Bhee.. Bakit ang tahimik mo? ”
“I was….(She cuts whatever I’m going to say)”
“Alam mo Bhe, It’s no one’s fault what happened last night. You don’t need to blame yourself since I didn’t stop you. In fact, I also want it to happen.”
“I already had a feeling towards you, even before my break-up with Jake. But I was hesitant to break up with him because I don’t know what to reason out. Thus, when Jake gets another girl pregnant, I took that chance. I know Jake since we were 15, he maybe naughty or horny guy, but I was the only one in his heart. We have also done some naughty things together in the past, but still our loved endured. But recently, I have a change of heart. If there was still love in me, I know I can accept and forgive Jake, but that was not the case. No more guilt feeling to hold me up in the relationship. I also don’t know what you feel toward me and it only became clear when I saw how much you cared for me after breaking off with Jake.” She said.
After that small conversation, it has reaffirms our feelings.
We took breakfast carrying the spark of love inside ourselves that only the two of us can understand.
When we left that place wherein we affirm our feeling for each other, we agreed not to divulge to other people what we have but will remain to committed with each other.
At work everyone notice see us inspired but they thought it was cause by the two guys being link to us. Kikay and I have suitors, but our coworkers were rutting for these two Japanese guys. They were definitely handsome and quite stable. Kikay and I just ride-off the match-making so we can keep our relationship in secret.
Winter season just started when I took a one week leave from work to be with my family in the Philippines. My brothers requested me to come home since we will be celebrating my father’s 60th birthday. I don’t want to go but it was Kikay who convinces me.
“Bhe anu ka ba, Birthday yan ng dad mo. Wag mo ng palampasin ang pagkakataon”
She said, I was lucky to have a faithful father who was always been there for the family. Even if I don’t know her family background, I know she was right. There was still apprehension in my mind, because I know she will have to work double time to cover my schedule at the club. But even I did not blur it out she knows me well. With that she tells me that it’s just a week and she could handle that.
To be honest, I really want her to be with me in this vacation at home but it was not possible. She was the only one with me at the Narita airport. We hug so tight and promise to each other that we will call each other every day. Other may think that’s a little bit over obsessive but that’s what we want.
“Bhe tumawag ka agad sa akin pag nasa NAIA Terminal ka na ha...” Paalaala ni Kikay
“Oo naman. Pwede ba naman hindi. I love you bhe”
“I love you too bhe” Sagot ko na may kasamang halik. Bahagyang nagyakapan at dinamdam ang init ng aming mga labi
“Ingatan mo ang sarili mo”
“Ikaw din bhe”
At home, the celebration of my father’s birthday went well. Most of my relatives were asking me when I will settle down and have children of my own. Though, I’m irritated by their questions I just smile at them and never gave a direct reply. By the way, both of my brothers have family already, the eldest have 4 children while my younger brother have 3.
Night-time came, my father knock at door of my bedroom. I let him in and he gave me hug. Then he said to me not to mind what our relatives were saying or asking. I was puzzled by what he just mentioned.
“I know that you’re not into guys and I understand your situation. I wasn’t able to stop your mother forcing you to her ways and because of that I like to say sorry.”
“Dad you don’t have to apologize. I understand my mother. She did that because she loves me and I also loves her. I was young and even I sacrifice my own happiness back then, I have never regret it. I also know, that you accepted my sexuality but have to be silent in front of mother. The hugs and kisses you made after suppose the “cleasing” prayer of mother’s Christian group was meant console my heart.”
“Those activity makes my heart’s bleed. I was the man in the house and can’t protect my daughter. I was weak because I love your mother so much.”
“Dad I know and I felt your love. That’s the reason I endure the hardship during those time.”
“Since you mother have long been away, I want you to follow your heart and be happy. Promise?”
“I love you Dad”
“I love you too”
It was a closure of my dark days…I don’t have bitter feeling towards my mother, because what she did made me stronger. It gave me the patience to wait for the right one for me.
On my 7th day of my vacation…
Dad joined in sending me off to Japan, I saw his eyes trying to hold off tears. I did not told him about Kikay, because I wanted Kikay with me when the time comes. It’s the 1st time Dad gone and when he hug me, he whispered…
“I know there some new in your life. In the week you stayed, I can see the glow in your face and so I wish you goodluck and be happy.
What my father have told me made me blush.
The plane landing has to be delayed for at least 30 minutes and have to circle around. The runway had to be cleared of snow so that we can land safely.
After the said commotion, now I’m in-front of the immigration officer having my visa check. It all went well, so I proceed at the lobby of arrival to wait for Kikay to pick me up. Last night while having our video call, she insisted that she will be the one pick me up at the airport. I know that it will very inconvenient for her because of the weather, but I can do she is the boss of my heart.
I seated first then scan the area to look for Kikay. In my thoughts, I know she is always on time and she might be cooking up a surprise…
It was almost an hour and yet I don’t see any Kikay coming, I’m feeling something strange or something that is not right. So I grab my mobile and dialed Kikay's number.
All I heard was a recording that the number was off. I redial and it stills the same recording. I did try to call 3 times more but no avail. So this time I called one of our co-workers and she said that Kikay told them that she will be going to the airport to pick me up. Like them, they find it strange that I haven’t seen Kikay because the time lapse was enough that Kikay can’t be late.
I wait for another hour hoping she will show up. Then at the last minute of the time allowance I gave myself to wait for her, a unregistered number call and was force to answer it.
“Can we speak please to Ms. Mhae Watanabe?”
“Ah yes speaking. What can I do for you?”
“Ms. Mhae Watanabe, this is a nurse from Kameda Medical Center, we would to inform you that Ms. Kikay Rodriguez was involve in a car accident. She requested us to call you, kindly proceed to our location as soon as possible. She is still at our emergency room at our doctors are currently looking at her condition.” Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa narinig ko. Sa sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko Nanginig ang buong katawan ko
“Yes I will thanks, please do everything to her to her safe. I got to go.”
“Yes Madam, thanks for taking our call.”
“Dyos ko huwag mo syang pababayaan”
I arrived at the hospital, they were to revive her but she is still in critical condition. I already informed Sacho and her family about her condition.
Though Sacho normally don’t permit at that the club not to have his both best singer absent, he approve me to stay at the hospital to look after Kikay.
The Doctors informed me that we have to monitor Kikay for 48’hrs to conclude if she is already safe or not.
32 hours have pass, still Kikay is unconscious and then on the 41st hour she wakes up...I called her by her name and she just look at me…
“Bheee.. Andito lang ako sa tabi mo, alam ko kaya mo yan. Pleaseee lumaban ka”
She like to speak but the apparatus in her nose and mouth can’t be taken out. I was holding her hands and she is trying to shake it off. I let it go and with the used of her figure, she written in my palm the “Aishiteru” symbols….
“Bhe.. mahal na mahal din kita(Kasabay ng pagbuhos ng aking luha)huhuhu”
She clasps for her breath….then I just saw the machine goes flat line….
“Nurse... Nursee... Nurseeeeeeeeee...”
To be continue . . .
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.