Sabik (Kalyo sa Damdamin)

Six fucking months and my life have taken a turn for the worse.

"Although I love you deep down inside, until my last damaged cell, I do not think we can really be in love together. The idea of us loving each other makes me want to cringe. I am capable of loving but being in a symbiotic kind of relationship is too scary for me to handle, especially with you my one great love."

Jamie... That fucking coward!

"I could never be sure of what you truly feel about me. Baka, you're just too butthurt with what happened with you and Chi. You're probably just feeding your ego with my pussy . I am scared na baka you're just into me for flesh pleasure, na you're just using me."

Haven't I admitted my faults? Hindi ko ba inamin sa kanya kung gano ko kagago at kung gano 'yon nabago dahil sa kanya?...

"Or, baka okay naman, pero paano kung our love isn't too strong after all at makahanap ka ng iba? I am also thinking na I do not deserve your love. I do not even know, what kind of woman, I have turned myself into, these past years. I feel like you deserve the best woman, yung hindi tulad ko lang. I do not deserve a man like you either; you're too great to be with a woman like me. I am a chicken and a bitch rolled into one person."

Anong akala niya sa akin, si Rizal? Tangina, umiibig lang ako at hindi nagpapakamartir!

"Ayoko din magka-sira tayo just because we chose to love each other. You're one of the people that I couldn't afford to completely lose. Many things are seriously running inside my head. Gustong gusto ko mag take ng risk...

I super miss you Ren, so much that whenever I remember you I couldn't help but cry and that is everyday, 24/7. You're the only person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. Wala ng iba. Wala ng iba!..

Imagine how stupid I am to just easily let go of you; your love. Pero ganoon talaga. Siguro kung hindi kita ganoon ka mahal, I would have taken the chance right away. Pero ang hirap. I want to grow old with you. Pero paano kung hindi mangyari yun? Paano kung hindi tayo mag ka tuluyan?"

Damn her!

Sa tanang buhay ko, hindi ko inaasahan kailanman na mararanasan ko ang ganitong klaseng kabiguan. Tangina! Sa pelikula lang to nangyayari, sa teleserye, sa drama sa radyo - not in real life! Not, in my life! But, damn it!

Look at me? A fucking train wreck.

"Nang nakita kita after 9 long years, parang tumigil ang mundo ko. I was glad that we hit it off. I was happy the moment you touched me."

Ganoon pala ang pakiramdam.

"I could have waited for you. You could have been the one who deflowered me, but it's too late to reproach myself with my past decisions."


I didn't mind... God knows I didn't mind! She could have been a whore, I wouldn't give a damn. I just realized how fucking in love with her I am. Alam kong, bumalik lang siya ay tatanggapin ko ang lahat lahat sa kanya, lahat lahat!

My chest feels painful and my eyes burns.

Following her reply to that post of mine - the confession of a life time - she just vanished. Pooofff! Parang Ginnie na matapos magbigay ng isang kahilingan ay naglaho na lang na parang bula.

Deactivated ang FB Account niya. All of her socials and even her mobile numbers are out of reach and off-line. Even our common friends didn't tell me anything. Kahit sinuhulan ko pa ng round trip ticket to Japan, hindi pa rin nila sinabi kung saan at paano ko matatagpuan si Jamie.

Outside, I tried my damnest to piece together every broken pieces of my insides.

Sinubukan kong ibaling ang aking tingin sa iba - To give others and myself a chance na subukang maging kontento at masaya...

Heto at nakaupo ako sa driver's seat ng aking kotse, half drunk and getting heads.

Nakasandal ang ulo ko sa reclined backrest ng sasakyan ko, eyes closed and full of her memories...

"Suck it! Suck it! Move your tongue inside!"

While she did what I instructed, inasahan kong mararamdaman ko rin yung ibang klaseng sarap noong gawin sa akin ni Jamie ang ganon...

"Damn it! More! Sipsipin mo pa! Kiskis mo dila mo sa loob! Tangna! Hindi ganyan!"

I felt myself getting softer without ejaculating.

Putangina! Hanggang kelan ako mabibitin? Hanggang kelan ako makukulong sa alaala ni Jamie?

"Eh, gago ka pala, eh! Ngalay na bunganga ko sa ka chuchupa sayo, tapos ano? Alfred, you better consult a doctor. I think you got a problem with your genitals.

Next time, 'wag kang mayabang! Yayayayaya ka ng sex, di mo naman pala kaya!"

Hanggang makalabas ang babaeng bungangera ng aking sasakyan ay nakapikit pa rin ang aking mga mata. My hands playing with my soft dick, remembering an excerpt from Jamies reply...

"I think I could just die now and live in peace wherever my soul might go. You made me the happiest person alive. I have never thought that once in my life, the person whom I have been in love with for nine years ( and counting) will indulge in reciprocity with me, in LOVE for that matter.

I am beyond blessed to read everything. I would lie if I'd tell you that I DID NOT hope for this day to come. Seriously, if a nuke would be tested right now, where I am exactly at, I wouldn't really bother because this is the only thing that I've ever hoped for.

NO, not a thing, YOU!"


Nanigas muli ang ang aking titi. Habang marahan kong sinasalsal ang aking sarili, patuloy ang daloy ng alaala sa aking isip...

"I love everything about you, your smell, your everything. You can be a serial killer but I would still be madly in love with you.

Yes, NO CONDITIONS.

I feel like, I was born to love you in every deep bit of the word. It is liberating to know that finally, after almost a decade, I am at this point in my life.

Worth it! A next life is not necessary.

Nung una tayong nag usap, para akong nasa kalangitan. I thought I'm just dreaming. Nakontento ako na ganoon lang tayo. Hanggang sa lumalim ng lumalim ang usapan.

I just woke up one day, na we're having sex virtually (to sugar coat sexting).

I was hurt when we first did it. Parang, shocks! Ganoon na ba talaga ako ka cheap para pumayag?

Pero okay lang, I love you that much to succumb to the pain. That is why, I did everything to satisfy you in such way."


Pabilis ng pabilis ang aking paghimas sa aking burat, ang sarap! Ang sarap ng pakiramdam!

"Masaya ako na nasasaktan, hindi ko maipaliwanag. Basta masya ako!

Then I finally got the chance to meet you in person. Wow! I was so thrilled. Nakakanerbyos na makakasama na kita finally. Nakakatakot na baka hindi mo ako gugustuhing makasama.

Ang sarap sa pakiramdam habang inaangkin mo ako.

I love the way you rammed my pussyhole. I love the way you kissed me. I love the way you ate me. Best sex of my life! Probably because you're the love of my life?

Ewan! Basta sobrang saya ko at that time. Sorry if I had to leave you without any notes or messages. Natakot ako na baka paghinintay pa kitang gumising hindi ko na kayang layuan ka pa. That's why I left with a heavy heart."


Tangina! Malapit na... Malapit na...

"Just remember, that somewhere, not necessarily in the other side of the world, just somewhere, someone loves you with all her heart. When you feel like the whole world has turned its back on you, just remember me. Ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko.

At kahit piliin mong, magmahal ng iba, kahit magkaasawa at anak ka, hindi ako titigil na mahalin ka. You will always be my one great love. Hinding hindi na ako mag mamahal ng iba.

I'd rather be alone, loving your from afar than be with someone else.

Sana tulad ng sinabi ko dun sa una kong sulat, sana sa next life natin, kahit na anong mangyari, we'll end up together. By then, sana I can safely say that you are mine and I am yours.

I love you Renal! I love you so much. See you at the cross roads!

Love forever,

Jamie."


As I clean up my cum with a wet tissue, my resolve has finally been made...

Hinding hindi ako makapapayag na dumating pa ang 'next life' para lang marating ko ang 'cross road' na sinasabi ni Jamie.

I'll find her this lifetime!

Pero for the meantime, I guess, i'll just have to do with Mary Palmer and my memories of her...

Sana makita ko na siya bago pa kalyuhin ng husto ang aking mga palad.

Jamie, just you wait, I'll come for you...

End (for now)


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