ABAKADA EROTIKA - BASAL

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I died two decades ago.

Oo, dalawang dekada na ang nakalipas, dalawampung taon na nang kit'lin ni Vernon ang kanyang sariling buhay upang makawala sa magulong mundo na aming kinabibilangan.

And now here I am again in front of his tomb to curse him once again, "Tarantado ka! Sino ba ang nagsabing madali ang mabuhay? Na may karapatan kang tumakas? Who the fuck gives you the right to leave me and take the burden all alone? Fuck you!"

We use to share everything, do everything together.

Akala ko, kilalang-kilala ko na siya, na kahit hindi niya sabihin ay alam ko na kung ano ang kanyang iniisip at nararamdaman... na pareho kami, na ang gusto ko ay gusto rin niya, na ang ayaw niya ay ayaw ko rin, na siya at ako ay iisa, sa damdamin at pagpapahalaga.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi ako makapaniwala sa kanyang nagawa. Sinisisi ko ang aking sarili. Sa aking kayabangan, ay hindi ko napansin na siya ay naghihirap... nagdurusa... sa pagtatago ng tunay na katauhan;

Na bahagi ng katauhang iyon ay nabubuhay sa kalahati ng bawat himaymay ng aking puso. Hindi ko noon matanggap, inaamin ko. Kailan nga ba nagsimulang maging bukas ang aking kamalayan?

When was it, that I finally realized and accepted that we were the same in every sense of word?

Noon bang sabay naming madiskubre ang sarap ng pag-sasarili?

Naalala ko sampung taon kami noon at sabay na naliligo sa aming banyo. Habang sinasabon namin ang aming katawan, kasama na ang aming mga aring ni hindi pa natutuli ay nagtama ang aming paningin at tila nagkaintindihan... unti-unti nanigas ang burat namin. Sa dulas ng sabon, sabay kaming humimas, mabagal noong una hanggang ang ritmo'y bumilis na - taas-baba, pisil bayag.

Hanggang ngayon naaalala ko pa kung gaano kasarap. Sa sobrang sarap, hindi na namin tinigilan, sabay kaming naliligo, sabay na nagpaparaos... hindi ko noon maintindihan, kumbakit 'di namin magawa ng kanya-kanya.

Ngayon, alam ko na.

Halos kumupas na ang dilaw na papel, malabo na ang tinta ng ballpeng pula, ngunit kahit pikit, malinaw ko paring mababasa ang bawat kataga ng liham pamamaalam na natanggap ko isang buwan matapos naming ihatid si Vernon sa huling hantungan...

Utol,

Pasensya ka na, nauna na ako saiyo. Pasensya ka na rin, kung hindi na kita masasamahan pa hanggang sa huli. Huwag mo sanang pababayaan si Mama at Papa. Ikaw na lang ang natitira nilang pag-asa nila sa buhay.

Alam ko marami kang gustong itanong sa akin. Alam ko rin na, galit ka at marahil ay sinisisi ang sarili dahil sa nangyari sa akin.

Huwag!

Wala kang kasalanan. Walang sinuman ang may kasalanan. Sana maunawaan mo na pinili ko ang ganito... ang palayain ka. Dahil alam ko, isa sa atin ang dapat kumawala upang mahugasan ang kasalanan.

Do you remember that time when we were with Carmen? When you told me, "Bro, the best cock-suck ever!"

Let me tell you, it wasn't her that licked and sucked your shaft, it was me.

... I knew, I knew it was you all along Vernz. I just didn't let on, that the blind fold wasn't that firm and I saw everything...

Do you remember our suppose first fuck?

Noong sinabi ko sayo na ang sarap palang kumantot ng babae, it was a lie. Fuck! I didn't even get my dick to stood up. What a bummer, hu?

... it was like that for me too...

Hindi ko alam, kung kailan nagsimula. Nagising na lang ako isang araw sa katotohanang, ikaw... ikaw lang ang makapagbibigay sa akin ng totoong kaligayahan.

Only with you, that I could find that satisfaction, that sexual gratification and contentment, that sated feeling. The love, that destructive love I have for you would have ruined the both of us for it was incestuous.

... Did you hoped, I'd find it with somebody else?...

We could say, that it's the drugs, the influence of our peers, the passing fancy of the hedonistic lifestyle, curiosity, youthful indiscretion... that it would all come to pass... that everything could change...

But I knew better.

...Don't I know it? I learned it the hardest way possible...

I sinned, against myself. I sinned against you, against convention, against morality, against our family and above all... against our Maker.

Know that wherever I am at, I carry with me all the burdens of the past.

Palayain mo ang iyong sarili. Move on and have a happy, normal family. Bro, 'wag mong sayangin ang maganda nating lahi, hahaha!

I am happy. Know that I have no regrets whatsoever with what I've done.

Say my goodbye to Mama and Papa. 'Wag kamo silang malungkot, tingnan ka lang nila, nakita na rin nila ako.

After all, you and me... we are one. Always have been, always will be.

Still with you bro...

My eyes, can't help but cry.

How can he decide for the both of us?

How can I be happy alone, when my happiness also lies with him?

Sinubukan ko. God knows how hard. Pero wala eh, it was never the same.

I had been celibate for the good portion of two decades, only finding my release with the memory of our time together.

Everyone was whispering, "Baka bakla, sayang!"

Nakakatawa.

For the truth could be no further.

Save me! Bro, save me!

My mind is screaming. My heart is broken and my life no longer matters. And as I crumpled the yellow piece of paper on my left hand, my right was about to reach for the same gun Vernon used to end his life...

Sa nanginginig na mga kamay, dahan dahan kong itinutok ang baril sa aking sentido... closing my eyes as tears freely falls down my cheeks...

Save me!

The phone rings...

Save me!

The phone keeps ringing...

Save me!

Unknown caller?

"Hello?"

"Benjie, pareng Benjie? Art here."

And with that, I am saved...

TBC...

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